Monday, April 04, 2005

imaginando lo peor

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm supposed to be disappearing for a while, but I haven't got around to it yet! Actually, this will likely be my last entry, because on Wednesday my mother in law flies in for my stepdaughter's graduation, and my wife begins a week of vacation, so whatever bit of privacy I have will disappear.

I had the beginnings of another panic attack today (hence the title), but I was able to "breathe" it off, because I felt teens for cash coming on soon enough. This one happened at work, which is somehow worse to me than the one I had last night.

I want to write - I actually want to call - I feel like I have so much to say to you know who you are. But I'm scared. And alone. And don't give me that "you're not alone" crap. System of a Down said it best when they said, "Where the fuck are you?" There's nobody here for me to hold, to cry on their shoulder, to talk - really talk - to. I know I withdraw - I'm terrified, for fuck's sake - but I don't want to withdraw. I don't want to. I just don't know what else to do. It's just me, just another of my failings.

I want to talk. I want to scream, shout, squirting all of the thousand thoughts flying through my head. I don't want to hold it in anymore, I really don't. But I just can't let go, especially since I let go just a tiny bit, and look what happened? I just want to hold someone, and cry. How ladylike of me, yes? Well, I'm always telling *T* that I'm more in touch with my feelings than most men. And yeah, I just want to be held, and I want to cry, and I want someone to stroke my hair, and whisper that everything will be alright.

And I want it to be.