Oh well, whatever, nevermind

2005-11-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

Deleted a few entries that seemed extraneous, including the one that I wrote last night. Set up a new private blog to deal with certain issues that I can't deal with here for various reasons. So much for being more open and honest here, huh? LOL. At least I'm keeping this blog going this time. Not sure when I'll be updating it though. I'll keep you posted. LOL! Get it? Keep you posted. Oh well, whatever... nevermind.

But I'm doing tremendously, swellishiously wonderful. *cough* Even found myself flirting with a brooke skye at work. I'd seen *B* around and always said hi, but on Friday she came up to me and just started chatting. I don't even know how much actual flirting was done. I mean, nothing suggestive was said. She just seemed really interested. It was nice. She actually came over to talk several times. When she walked away the first time, she kept looking back at me like she was expecting something, until I smiled. I need that kind of attention right now, I just wish it would come from somewhere else. I mean, she's a nice enough girl, and pretty, and artistically inclined, and smart, but... she just happens to be a minor.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not that dumb. Like I said, I just wish I could get attention like that from raven riley .... well, nevermind again. I want.... well, we all know what I want. My tongue aches for the taste of it. But I feel like a man condemned to starvation. Or, as I read in a book, "If you were dying of thirst in the desert, I wouldn't even spit on you!" Now that's harsh. LOL.

I mentioned how wonderfully I'm doing, right? Okay, good. Just wanted to make sure to end this on a positive note. Gotta stay positive, right?

imaginando lo peor

2005-04-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm supposed to be disappearing for a while, but I haven't got around to it yet! Actually, this will likely be my last entry, because on Wednesday my mother in law flies in for my stepdaughter's graduation, and my wife begins a week of vacation, so whatever bit of privacy I have will disappear.

I had the beginnings of another panic attack today (hence the title), but I was able to "breathe" it off, because I felt teens for cash coming on soon enough. This one happened at work, which is somehow worse to me than the one I had last night.

I want to write - I actually want to call - I feel like I have so much to say to you know who you are. But I'm scared. And alone. And don't give me that "you're not alone" crap. System of a Down said it best when they said, "Where the fuck are you?" There's nobody here for me to hold, to cry on their shoulder, to talk - really talk - to. I know I withdraw - I'm terrified, for fuck's sake - but I don't want to withdraw. I don't want to. I just don't know what else to do. It's just me, just another of my failings.

I want to talk. I want to scream, shout, squirting all of the thousand thoughts flying through my head. I don't want to hold it in anymore, I really don't. But I just can't let go, especially since I let go just a tiny bit, and look what happened? I just want to hold someone, and cry. How ladylike of me, yes? Well, I'm always telling *T* that I'm more in touch with my feelings than most men. And yeah, I just want to be held, and I want to cry, and I want someone to stroke my hair, and whisper that everything will be alright.

And I want it to be.

dobleblog

Oh well, whatever, nevermind

imaginando lo peor